Everybody loves a good top 10 list so I've combed through my notes from my past deployments to bring you some of the "Top 10 Dumbest Things Ever Asked Me As the S2". These are in no real order and I have also included an brief explaination as to why they are dumb. A few of these questions are straight up stupid, others are based on the individual's false belief or perception that I had some magical box with all the answers.
10. *During a near-daily battalion update brief where I had just finished discussing a carbomb that targeted a patrol of MPs returning to Mosul from Irbil killing the female platoon leader.*
"Did the insurgents target her because she is a woman?" - female company commander in the BSB.
- This question really threw me off because if you've ever seen soldiers fully kitted up and inside an up-armored HMMWV you know that it is pretty much impossible to tell what sex they are. Also, while women do not generally have the same rights as men in Arab culture and in many cases are subservient to men, I have never known a case where Iraqis were upset that American women had more rights and roles and served in our military. The idea that insurgents somehow saw this patrol in Irbil, recognized the platoon leader was female, tracked them all the way back to Mosul, and then targeted the lead vehicle with a suicide carbomb is utterly ridiculous.
9. *Same meeting directly after the "targeting her because she's a woman question".*
"Was she wearing a seatbelt?" -medical company commander
- I didn't have pictures at the time of this attack but the carbomb rammed the front of the HMMWV and completely destroyed the front right of the vehicle. I'm not sure if there was much left of the platoon leader. No, seatbelts do not protect you from suicide carbombs. I think I stammered something about not having that information and getting back to the company commander. Luckily the battalion XO stepped in at that point and moved us on, thus saving me from more stupid questions like if the HMMWV was low on oil or something.
8. *Morning update sometime in late '06 after North Korea possibly conducted an underground nuclear test. I'll remind you that I'm in Iraq, worrying about Mosul, not the Korean peninsula...*
"Did North Korea detonate a nuclear device or was it something else? What is your analysis?" - BSB battalion XO
- I loved the XO, he was hands down my best boss and still ranks as the top 1 or 2 best XOs I've ever served under. However, I'm not sure what he was expecting out of me with this question. At the time the US had no idea what NK had set off and all the surrounding countries each had their own official opinions. I was a BSB S2, not a nuclear weapons expert on the Korean peninsula.
7. *Battalion update brief some time in 2007 in Baghdad after one of the brigade Stryker patrols had been hit with an IED which consisted of a chemical weapon artillery shell.*
"Why isn't the media reporting on the chemical weapon attacks? Doesn't this prove Saddam had WMD?!" -BSB command sergeant major
- This was just part of the rant the CSM launched at me after I briefed this particular attack. The artillery shell likely came from a stockpile of chemical weapons that the old Iraqi Army had but hadn't destroyed yet, or forgot about. These stockpiles were known to the UN and the US and were not part of the WMD reasoning when Iraq was invaded/liberated. The insurgents who used this round likely didn't even know the shell had chemical weapons in it. Despite trying to explain this to the CSM he kept at me like I had somehow failed to alert the national media about this. Once again, the battalion XO had to intervene and move the briefing along.
6. *Another battalion update brief where I just discussed an indirect fire attack that hit Baghdad International Airport and I stated the rounds were likely meant to target the military (US controlled) side of the airport.*
"What do you mean by 'the military side of the airport'? Isn't it all the military side?" -BSB headquarters company commander
- I fully believe the company commander was trying to stump me, or prove that I didn't know what I was talking about. However, in 2007 Baghdad International was clearly divided into two parts: the US controlled part where we flew all our aircraft out of, and the civilian side which had civilian aircraft operating and was controlled by the Iraqi civilian government. When I stated that insurgents were trying to hit the military side I was essentially implying that they weren't trying to hit Iraqi civilian aircraft. I guess this was a difficult concept to grasp.
5. *Morning update sometime in 2007.*
"Which province is the most dangerous right now?" -BSB commander
- In 2006/07 asking me which province was the most dangerous was similar to asking me which member of the Village People was the gayest. They are pretty much all dangerous. Also, what is your criteria? Most attacks or most attacks that cause casualties or most attacks against civilians? I realize that the battalion commander was trying to gauge where our brigade might be sent to next since we were the Corps reserve and we had just about cleared all of Baghdad at that point, but seriously, give me a heads up for this type of question so I can be bettered prepared. I threw out Anbar as the most dangerous because in '06/07 Anbar could reasonably seen as the answer to any similar question.
4. *Troop commander wanders into my office in 2009.*
"I need 24 hour UAV coverage for 3 days straight. Can you get that?" -1-14 Cav troop commander
- By 2009 aerial intelligence assets in Iraq had dwindled considerably as the US began its drawdown. On a given day I could expect a few hours coverage from a UAV plus some helicopters. If I worded the request right and promised the BDE S2 my first born child I could possibly get a predator UAV for most of the day; but to get 24 hour coverage, especially for several days was an absurd notion that would get me laughed at. The troop commander wanted to confirm/deny smuggling in a certain area...which was not a high priority at brigade or division. The troop commander even got angry with me for not supporting him after I explained why we couldn't get that kind of coverage. Whatever dude, you've got a raven UAV in your troop, use it.
3. *Several encounters with S3 (operations) NCOs over the course of the '09-10 deployment.*
"What is the location of *insert Iraqi security force* checkpoint/HQ/base? You guys are S2, don't you know everything? -various 1-14 Cav S3 NCOs
- I ran the S2 section. That means we tracked enemy forces, not friendly. The various Iraqi security forces (police, army, oil police, etc) were friendly (for the most part) forces. It is one of the many jobs of the S3 section to track friendly forces on the battlefield. Asking my section, usually one of my analysts bore the brunt of these questions, where a particular friendly unit was is essentially admitting you aren't doing your job. And no, we don't know everything, the crystal ball has been broken for some time now.
2. *Email from the S3 (a major).*
"Why does Task Force (Rangers) have intel on these individuals that we don't have? Tell TF they need to share their sources." -1-14 S3
- It became pretty clear at the beginning of the deployment that our S3 really didn't have much of a clue as to what the S2 section could and could not do as well as what our assets and capabilities were. You'd think that after being the XO and the S3 in the squadron for over 2 years he would have some concept, but he didn't. Task Force was the organization created to hunt down Sunni insurgents that posed the most threat plus gather intel that would lead to Abu Ayyub al-Masri, the leader of Al Qaida in Iraq. They would fly into our area about once a week and grab a couple of guys, individuals I usually had no information on. Most of the time the individuals detained were associates of an associate to someone more important. Since these guys weren't usually responsible for the instability in our particular area, they weren't on my radar. The S3 didn't like this and all he saw was somebody who wasn't us detaining people. Yes, they had sources and collection assets that we didn't have. No, they weren't going to share.
1. *Intel update sometime in 2009*
"Where did the carbombs go?" -1-14 S3
- Spend any amount of time in Iraq and you'll see report after report of possible carbombs moving through your area of operations. As the S2 it was my responsibility to sort through these reports and determine if they were credible or not. For the most part these reports were false, either the sources they came from were wrong or misinformed or the Iraqi Army was just reporting on rumors. After seeing several "blue bongo VBIED moving through Diyala" reports and nothing going boom I could discount the reports for the most part. I would make sure the report was passed on to my Iraqi counterparts and the troop commanders, but there wasn't much more I could do, or was willing to do for phantom carbombs. The S3, however, was convinced that every report was factual and after a week of heavy carbomb reports then asked the above question. While I wanted to say something snarky like the carbombs were waiting right outside the gate I instead calmly and rationally told him about false reports and rumors. He wasn't convinced and I spent a couple of weeks wasting time, energy, and assets looking for phantom carbombs.
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